What I Wish I Knew About Internal Family Systems (IFS) Before Trying It

It was 2018, and a friend who had been in an out of therapy over the course of the years told me she "finally found a good therapist".

"What do you like about this one?" I asked.

"We do IFS therapy, I can really feel a difference. I understand myself better" she said.

Woah. This was big coming from her. As a therapist myself, I was intrigued about this method and was curious if it would work for me. I was a therapist by the time, and had been wanting to see a therapist to help sort out some of my own stuff.

"It's basically like there are different parts of yourself. Some protect you, some act as 'firefighters' and put out fires quickly, and some are exiles that are really sad" my friend told me.

Huh. Not sure I totally understood what that meant, but that's ok. I was willing to give it a try.

I contacted an IFS therapist in Boston and started seeing her weekly. She was patient, kind, warm, and totally saw through my bullshit. I tended to go on tangents about everything BUT what I was really there for. So one day she finally said,

"Okay, no more avoiding. Let's try going 'inside'."

'Going inside', what I gathered, meant closing my eyes and focusing on....something.

"What part of you are you noticing?" she asked.

I had absolutely no idea what she meant. What do you mean "part" of me? Am I supposed to be picturing a version of me? Seeing a memory? Thinking a certain thought?

With continued practice, I gathered that "parts" of me could mean a certain sensation (i.e. tightness in chest), a certain thought (i.e. 'No one likes you'), emotion (i.e shame), or image (i.e. a storm cloud). This was a big range, but I found that it was easiest for me to focus on body sensations and go from there.

In future sessions, we went deeper and deeper. I began to understand core "parts" of myself that were gripping tightly to longheld beliefs and needed to let go. And previously, I thought that constantly debating myself was the only way to change beliefs. But IFS proved to release negative beliefs in a mindful, creative way. It was totally unexpected, but totally transformative.

And if I could go back to 2018, here's what I would have told myself before becoming an IFS client:

1. There will be a lot of time spent with your eyes closed.

2. You will get frustrated that the process doesn't make perfect sense at first....hang in there.

3. You will be surprised how imaginative and creative your system is. Go with it.

4. Your therapist is not grading you. You do not have to answer all the questions "perfectly".

5. IFS can be messy and nuanced. It is not linear.

6. Take your time. It takes patience and trust building to go deeper.

7. Your system will communicate information to you differently: through body sensations, random memories, or seemingly random thoughts.

8. The framework will help give you language to what's going on with your mental health.

9. It's ok to ask questions about the process if it makes you feel safer.

10. It's ok to ask for guidance from your therapist when you feel stuck. That is what she is there for.

After I completed my IFS training in 2025, I was incredibly grateful that I first had the experience in IFS as a client. It provided me so much empathy for first-time clients trying the model, and helped me become a confident IFS therapist.

It's been a few years since I stopped seeing my IFS therapist and I still notice the positive changes I felt while doing the work. I am noticeably less anxious, make better decisions with relationships, engage in more self-care, and feel more motivated in growing my professional career. Would I do it again? Absolutely.

Interested in more information about IFS therapy or trying it out? Let's chat!

Shannon Stern, LPC-S, LMHC

EMDR & IFS Therapist

Austin, TX